Thursday, January 8, 2009

W. T. F.

I've obviously taken a bit of a break from online dating, but with the New Year, I decided to sign up for Match again. Sigh. I've got some good stories, but let's start with this ridiculous email.

Subject: Hummmmmmmmmmm.
Who is Donna Martin? Is that you? Where did you graduate from? UCLA? I graduated from UCLA. I will give you 20 bucks if you choose to email me back and actually type something to me. And, you also have to tell me something that I do not already know about you from your profile. And, as if this is not enough, you need to tell me something embarrasing. And, as if all of this were not enough, you cannot mention anything about my age or your age. And, as if this were not enough already (with all things considered), you need to pretend that you are really interested in me whether you are or not. And, as if I have not already totally gotten carried away, you also need to not let me know in the email or any of the following two emails that you may or may not choose to send me whether you really are interested in me or not. Yeah. And if you are wondering if this is just some demented game I am playing, I definitely will not answer that question because how could it not be?
So, lets see how money motivated and playful and daring you really are. It is the Internet we are talking about, so be careful.

Yours in health and life,


Does this EVER work for him? Clearly not. In what world does this count as having a sense of humor? I would write back, but I don't need 20 dollars that badly. Actually, I do, but I don't even want to know what chain of events a response would set off.

Also, it's called Google. Try it. (FYI my "dating headline" is "Donna Martin Graduates!" You would be surprised at how much this perplexes guys."

Saturday, November 8, 2008

She ain't gonna call him. Ain't no way she gonna call him

My sister, K, is new to the online dating world. She recently broke up with her long-term boyfriend, and has decided to make an effort to put herself out there. She signed up for a free online dating site (the same one where my friend A met her new husband, actually. Congrats, A&E!), and started emailing with a few guys.

She made plans to meet up with one potential suitor, though she had her doubts. "He.... he bought a carbon credit," she said! Now, while that may sound like a good thing, to K, who is super environmentally active, and knows a TON about this kind of stuff, it was a near deal-breaker. I personally thought that was the best and most hilarious reason ever for not going going out with someone - he bought a carbon credit! Anyway, she decided to give it a shot, because as anyone who's ever been on a few blind dates will tell you, you never know.

However, she quickly learned that she should have trusted her instincts. The guy was not only unattractive, and looked nothing like his pictures, but he was missing teeth. Missing teeth! He was also a vegan (though this would be a deal-breaker for me, she's a vegetarian and cool with it. Me? I need to be able to cook chicken and steak for romantic dinners), and took her to a quote-unquote "vegan" restaurant. Well, it turns out it was just a "vegetarian" restaurant, and what he ordered, which he claimed he always got, had cheese in it. "I wasn't gonna be the one to tell him," K said. She did mention that she could never be a vegan, because of her love of ice cream and cheese, and the guy proceeded to spend several minutes telling her that the reason most people say that is because they put something in cheese that is akin to heroin to keep you addicted. As he's eating cheese, mind you.

The best part is that after the date, they walk out of the restaurant, and he says "this was fun." Her response? "Uh... yeah, I'll call you." An older African-American couple happened to be walking by at the time and the woman turned to the man and said, "She ain't gonna call him. Ain't no way she gonna call him."

Good call, lady.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Not a blind date, but...

I thought I'd share this "rant" I posted on Craigslist after volunteering at Oktoberfest on Friday.

Also, I have a date tonight, so stay tuned.

Also, my sister went on one of the worst blind dates in the history of the world. Details to come!

Rant:Oktoberfest - No you can’t have a free or discounted beer!

So last night I volunteered to pour beer at Oktoberfest. My friend and I were there with One Brick, which is a great organization, and also the beneficiary of the event. It was super fun, and it wasn’t too crowded (although I think it is going to be a madhouse today). We met a lot of nice people, and each got 5 tokens to use for beer or food, which was awesome.

However, while this event is a lot of fun, it’s also (partially) for CHARITY, and we were there to work. We weren’t getting paid to be here – we were there to help out, and we were given a bunch of rules at the start. We weren’t allowed to give free beer (even to other volunteers or people who worked the other shifts/days), take bribes, accept cash, serve people who were falling over, etc. In fact, a whole group of cheesy Marina guys got escorted out at the very beginning because they apparently were caught stealing tokens this year, and did the same thing last year. So sketchy! Again, I remind you, this was raising money for charity. Also, how cheap are you? Just buy your beer – seriously.

I can’t even count the number of people who tried to talk their way into free or discounted beer. Now, I know they were drunk, and some of them were amusing or only mildly annoying, but there were some really insistent jerks, and I was seriously not having it. I don’t care if I look friendly – I’m not gonna hook you up. “I only have 3 tokens – give me 2 large beers.” “Sorry, large beers are 6 so that’ll be 12 tokens.” “Just give them to me for 3! Come on.” “Sorry, not gonna happen.” “Fine, I’ll just go find someone else who will hook me up.” Good luck with that, buddy. Exhibit B: “But I worked here last night.” Me: “So then you know it’s for charity.”

It’s not like asking for a free beer is a huge deal. I mean, I can understand, especially when you’re drunk and having fun. It just started to get old really fast, especially from really sweaty (ew) drunk guys who totally expected we’d just hook them up. Come to think of it, not one girl tried to get anything for free or discounted. Thanks, girls!

So, here are a few notes for our most irritating customers:

To the guy from the earlier shift: No, you can’t have free beer since you worked earlier. Weren’t you at the orientation that said we couldn’t do that?

To the random drunk perv: No, we’re not going to take our shirts off for you. No, you are not amusing, and you shouldn’t have looked so shocked when we rolled our eyes at you and shooed you away.

To the guy from Berlin: No matter how many times you come back, 5 tokens is not going to get you a large beer, so quit the puppy dog eyes and pouty lips. Get your friends to give you one token. Or go buy more. Or look around on the ground for one. Or, just get a small beer. I think you’ll be ok.

To the cougar in the beer wench outfit who “works for Spaten”: I am not going to “take care of” drunken fratty Marina boy because you said to. You’re not the boss of me! Very nice of you to pour your beer into his glass, and then let him pour it back into yours, though. Sanitary! Also, you may have wanted to leave that outfit back in your 20/30s. I’m just sayin’.

To same drunken fratty Marina guy: sorry, we can’t take cash, but thanks for throwing that $20 in the tip jar! I’m not sure why you didn’t just go buy tokens with it, but we’ll take it!

To the guy who wants a top-up: No, you can’t have a replacement beer because yours got warm. Drink faster.

Despite some of these jerks, there were actually tons of nice, friendly, polite people at the event. Thanks to everyone who tipped (again, going to One Brick), had the right amount of coins and were just generally friendly and happy to be there. And good luck to the volunteers working today – I think you’re going to need it!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Turkish Delight

The loveliest email I've gotten in awhile:

thanks for the respond.

you know what i am kind of new to area so can you give me directions to your place and i can come there i ll wake you up 4 am in the morning ( are you saying to late ok 3 am)

just kidding

lets get real

my name is M. i am half Crotian and half Turkish. what else do you want to know because i dont ask so many questions chating so may be we ll meet and we can talk about it who knows( are you sayin this weekend mmmmmmmm ok))))))))

take care


Mmmmmmmm no.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Girls' Night Out

I moved back to "The City" two years ago, and instantly reconnected with my friend from middle school, J. She introduced me to all her friends, and fully welcomed me into their social circle, which is just what a girl new to town (and living, at the time, with her parents) needs! Sadly, 2 of the girls moved away in the last year, and one is currently on a world tour (hi S!), but J and I are as close as ever, and I feel so lucky to know her again. She even made me an amazing 4-course meal for an early birthday celebration (she actually made two full on menus that I got to pre-order from - how lucky am I?). Friends are the best.

I've also been really lucky to reconnect with some friends from college lately. P, C and Be were in my sorority (yes, I was in sorority. Please don't judge! Actually, go ahead, if you'd like - I judge sorority girls all the time) and we starting emailing and have been getting together for dinners recently, which is so fun! We have a blast and laugh a ton. Last week P organized a get together to introduce her college friends to her friends from here, and it was a smashing success! I'm at the age where I feel like I can tell pretty instantly if I'm going to get along/be friends with someone, and I think this group just totally clicked! Sadly, C and Be couldn't make it, due to being sick (C) and going on her honeymoon (congrats, Be!!), but I brought my other friend, B, who I actually know from 5th grade - man, I really have reconnected with a lot of people! Is this getting confusing with all the initials? I'm going to have to give out some nicknames! Anyway, P's friend MK came, along with her friend Ka, and we had a blast at this really cute, but crowded wine bar.

The first hour or two we were just chatting away, getting to know each other and exchanging stories, but then when we moved inside, the real hilarity began. This beyond drunk guy approached us after standing next to us and trying to find an "in" for quite awhile, and promptly invited himself to some future event we were talking about. He also proceeded to repeatedly touch our backs, which, ew. I physically removed his hand from my back and said "no touching" and he decided then that he hated me - which was quite alright with me! Ka started discussing personal space in America vs. other countries, and Drunk Dude decided that she was "arrogant." Oh, we were laughing so hard. Then he went on to have a conversation with MK, and would periodically look over at me and say, "but I don't care what she thinks." Fine with me, buddy! They started talking about marathons (I'm running my first half marathon on Sunday - my birthday), and he asked MK her time, and announced that if they were to run together, he would naturally beat her, because men are biologically superior. Those may have not been his exact words, but that was the gist. He also told her she was "memserizing." Or maybe it was "mesermizing." Either way, P and I were practically peeing our pants at this point. So, so funny. He finally left, and his much nicer friend came over and we were joking with him - Drunk Dude was definitely getting a hard time about this the next day. And just when we thought we were rid of him... no such luck. He saunters back over and starts listing all of MK's great qualities (dude, you should BE so lucky), including, "and I can't see your body, but I bet if I could it would be great." Ha!! I really haven't laughed this hard in a long time. Apparently on the way out he stopped P & MK to tell them that they were cool, but they really needed nicer friends. Hahahaha.

Such a fun night, and I'm looking forward to our upcoming dessert-and-wine night in my 'hood!

Inner Child of Awe and Wonderment

This is one of the funniest Match emails I've gotten lately. I don't think I can even improve upon it with comments, so here it is in it's entirety, with his name and personal info removed, of course.

We seem to share quite a few commonalities and idiosyncrasies. Let me start off by saying you might think that i come across as a bit obscure, or quite abstract. I'm just an intense, passionate, compassionate lad who's in touch with his inner child of awe and wonderment. With that said, i'm kind of suspended in a state of adolescence. Albeit, i don't act like a juvenile deliquent, yet i do have a wry sense of humour

I'm inquisitively artistic in many a way:: graphics, visuals, words, symbols, hidden meanings, codes, spirituality, theories, philosophies, space & time. Ohhhh yeah, i just happen to be i'm an avid sci-fi fan!

i'm only on a three free day trial period, so you'll have to get in touch with me outside of match

I def want to know what makes you tick & tock around the clock. If you are inclined to write back then here is my contact info :

aol s/name

yahoo s/n

email address at hot male

on the flipside........b

Actually, I lied. I can't resist a few comments. In touch with his inner child of awe and wonderment? A sci-fi fan with bad grammar? Too cheap to pay for a full membership? His email address is @ hot male? This is bad blind date comedy gold! It can't be real, right?

You Have to Be Visible

I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but my Grandma (who is AWESOME) has told me that to meet people, "you have to be visible." Seems like common sense, but it really is great advice - I'm not going to meet anyone sitting at home! I've realized about myself that I'm not the type to meet guys - ever! I never dated in high school, had one boyfriend in college, had one boyfriend after, and briefly dated a friend of friends earlier this year. But I'm not the type who is always dating, meeting guys out, etc. I make new friends pretty easily (hi new friends!), but I just never meet guys. Not sure why, but it is what it is. Or is it? Heh. So, listening to my (awesome!) Grandma's advice, I've been trying to get out of the house more. I work from home on Fridays, so I've occasionally been going down to a local coffee shop to work, and for awhile I was trying to get to Whole Foods at lunch to see if there were any cute working boys around. There have been a few cute guys at WF, but no one I've talked to or anything like that.

Just now, I needed to go grocery shopping, so I walked across the city to another Whole Foods that I'm not familiar with. I wore a new tight white t-shirt, cute jeans and pink sneakers and I even straightened my hair. ;) There was one guy who I think was trying to make eye contact with me, cause I kept running into him, but he never said anything. Anyway, I also bought some red dahlias, and couldn't fit them in the super cute Make It Right tote bag my sister got me for my birthday (it combines all my loves - celebrity gossip [it's Brad Pitt's organization], New Orleans [I volunteered there for a week last year, and look forward to going back], eco-friendliness and pink!). Ok, these brackets/parenthesis are getting out of control. Anyway. So, I was carrying my flowers, and boy did I get a lot of comments on the walk home. I got "nice flowers" several times, but the tone was a little more suggestive than that. One older and possibly drunk and/or crazy guy said, "you have a lovely [inaudible]." To be honest, it sounded like he said ass, but really, I don't think that's what he said. I hope not, at least! Anyway, it reminded me to post some of the best lines I've gotten since I moved to this neighborhood.

I live in a cute, trendy neighborhood that happens to be right next to the projects, and there are always lots of people hanging out outside. Generally they just say hi, or something like "you look very nice today," but sometimes I get a funny line. The other day I was going for a walk and was a few blocks away when this guy said,

"Hey neighbor."

I just smiled at him and kept walking, thinking, hey, how does he know I live around here? IS he my neighbor? Has he seen me before? Should I have said hi? Is that a common expression?

A few months ago after work I was walking across the street to get a pair of sunglasses at TJ Maxx. Whatever, they're cheap and I break them all the time anyway! This guy in an SUV (hate!) pulls over and says, "hey." I was going to keep walking, but then thought, ok, what if he needs directions? Of course he didn't need directions. He says,

"Um... I just think you're really hot."

Ew. I just rolled my eyes and walked away. He drove by again and gave me the rocker/hang loose sign with his tongue hanging out. Ew, again.

But I think my very favorite line was uttered shortly after I moved to this neighborhood. I was about a block from home, passing a bus stop, when this guy says,

"What's up snowflake?"


Clearly I need some self-tanner. ;)

What's the best or funniest pickup line you've gotten?